Nothing is predictable. Nothing is in my control. Why do I even try?
The past two days came pretty close to me being in control. I don’t mean controlling. No, I mean that I planned and carried out those plans for the good of my family and myself.
I asked in a post the other day whether one could blog successfully AND sleep. In answer to my own question…no. For me, no sleep is what makes me weak. I have turned a new leaf. I’ve seen how much 8 hours of sleep makes a difference in how I look and feel physically which translates into a happier mood and more patience to take on the day and be what I consider a good mom, wife, tutor, and writer. Yes, I could blog successfully with little sleep but the rest of my life would fall apart at the seams, which in the end, would not contribute positively to my writing.
It’s one thing when I choose to deprive myself of sleep, and now that I’m out of the baby stage, that’s what it usually comes down to – my choice. It’s another thing when unforeseen and unwelcome events occur and I lose sleep. Tonight, I made it so that I was in bed by 10. The plan was to wake up around 5:30, be on a run by 6. Get in an hour of writing from 7-8. Be home in time to make breakfast for the kids…biscuits, yogurt, and fruit. Without giving you the long story…it’s 3 am and I’m up writing this because I can’t sleep.
So I went outside and enjoyed a cool breezy moment, soaked up some moon rays. I made a piece of toast which is my comfort food of choice. I want to cry in frustration. I should be asleep. I’m trying to breath and chant aum. I’m trying to prepare mentally for the day ahead in which I’d like, no, I NEED to squeeze in making breakfast, homeschooling activities, exercise, a paid piece of writing, an unpaid piece of writing, making lunch, putting kids down for nap, some fun outdoor physical activity with the kids, making dinner, and cleaning and grocery shopping in prep for a guest the following day, in whatever order.
I just banged this out on the keyboard in a matter of minutes…this is writing in the raw and so very stream of consciousness…and you know, therapeutic. My breathing is calmer now. I’m not sure how I ever survived night after night of little sleep with my babies, but I did. This is one night. I will survive. And I’ll try again tomorrow. Well, more like today at this point.