Women who give birth at home amaze me. It takes ovaries to do something like that! And while I love the idea of home birth, I love even more the thought of giving birth in a hospital. Here are the Top 10 Reasons Why I Prefer to Give Birth in a Hospital, based on my 4 birth experiences:
- The nurses force me to wear a painfully tight fetal monitor over my already painfully stretched belly.
- I get to be hooked up to an IV against my wishes, after 3 nurses have tried to find my veins.
- The midwife looks at me suffering through my first major contractions ever and says out loud, “She’s gonna be a while…I’m gonna get some coffee.”
- The midwife, who I purposefully chose over a doctor insists on a C-section…NUMEROUS TIMES! While drinking said coffee.
- The food is so bad, I have to ask for outside food to be smuggled in.
- The nurse I grow to love and depend on in my darkest hour leaves because her shift is over.
- The new nurse that takes over has just come off her smoke break and starts to demonstrate breathing techniques RIGHT IN MY FACE!
- The on-call doctor walks into the lobby and asks, within earshot, why the hell he has to attend to me when I’m not even his patient.
- The same doctor, whom I’ve never met, doesn’t bother to ask my name and when I point this out he makes up a name for me.
- And finally, that very same doctor encourages me by cheering, “C’mon, You’ve already had 2 babies. What’s a matter with you? This baby is only 7 lbs. You’ve already had 2 eight and halfers. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!”
I mean, seriously, why give birth in the comfort of your own home when you can have all this and more? Like don’t forget those flattering, mesh panties used to keep your giant pad in place. Loved those. No, really, I did…even took some home with me.
My point is, I wouldn’t trade my hospital experiences for the world.
P.S. As for the doctor who makes 3 appearances in my Top 10 List…I thought I should protect his identity, so I entered his name in an online anagram generator and you’ll never believe the result: SCALD TO OVARY! Swear I didn’t make that up.
Be sure to check out the rest of my Birth Story Reflections series: