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Top 10 Reasons Why I Prefer To Give Birth In A Hospital

by Christine@TheAums on January 18, 2012 · 16 comments

Women who give birth at home amaze me. It takes ovaries to do something like that! And while I love the idea of home birth, I love even more the thought of giving birth in a hospital. Here are the Top 10 Reasons Why I Prefer to Give Birth in a Hospital, based on my 4 birth experiences:

  1. The nurses force me to wear a painfully tight fetal monitor over my already painfully stretched belly.
  2. I get to be hooked up to an IV against my wishes, after 3 nurses have tried to find my veins.
  3. The midwife looks at me suffering through my first major contractions ever and says out loud, “She’s gonna be a while…I’m gonna get some coffee.”
  4. The midwife, who I purposefully chose over a doctor insists on a C-section…NUMEROUS TIMES! While drinking said coffee.
  5. The food is so bad, I have to ask for outside food to be smuggled in.
  6. The nurse I grow to love and depend on in my darkest hour leaves because her shift is over.
  7. The new nurse that takes over has just come off her smoke break and starts to demonstrate breathing techniques RIGHT IN MY FACE!
  8. The on-call doctor walks into the lobby and asks, within earshot, why the hell he has to attend to me when I’m not even his patient.
  9. The same doctor, whom I’ve never met, doesn’t bother to ask my name and when I point this out he makes up a name for me.
  10. And finally, that very same doctor encourages me by cheering, “C’mon, You’ve already had 2 babies. What’s a matter with you? This baby is only 7 lbs. You’ve already had 2 eight and halfers. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!”

I mean, seriously, why give birth in the comfort of your own home when you can have all this and more? Like don’t forget those flattering, mesh panties used to keep your giant pad in place. Loved those. No, really, I did…even took some home with me.

My point is, I wouldn’t trade my hospital experiences for the world.

Birth- don't try this at home. Unless you want to.

P.S. As for the doctor who makes 3 appearances in my Top 10 List…I thought I should protect his identity, so I entered his name in an online anagram generator and you’ll never believe the result: SCALD TO OVARY! Swear I didn’t make that up.

Be sure to check out the rest of my Birth Story Reflections series:

Mom’s Survival Kit- Don’t Attend A Baby Shower Without One!

Talk About A Push Present!

When The Physical And Spiritual Worlds Collide

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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

Jeanne January 18, 2012 at 3:56 am

This had me laughing all the way through- good stuff

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Christine@TheAums January 18, 2012 at 3:51 pm

If I had known back then it would make good blog fodder, I probably wouldn’t have taken it so personally. Glad you got a good laugh!

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Brandi January 18, 2012 at 11:47 am

Oh my goodness!!! Fortunately, my hospital birth experience was nothing like this, but everything leading up to the birth was questionable. For instance, the doctor, who, when I demanded I receive some answers, support, SOMETHING about why I had been vomiting non-stop for 6 months, told me that, “Pregnancy was supposed to be uncomfortable.” Yeah, good stuff.

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Christine@TheAums January 18, 2012 at 3:49 pm

This post was the best way for me to process some of the negative and almost unbelievable parts of my hospital births. Aj and I laugh now, but in those moments I was either hurt, scared, angry, annoyed. Still, I kept going back for more! I wonder if your doctor’s related to SCALD TO OVARY?

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Stephanie January 19, 2012 at 6:07 pm

What the …!? A doula would have made such a huge difference. No shift changes, we stay the whole time except for extreme cases and actually still in extreme cases your doula stays with you, massages you, breathes with fresh breath with you, brings you whatever she can to make you comfortable, advocates for you, and cares deeply about you and your birth experience. sigh. I wish more people knew this.

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Christine@TheAums January 19, 2012 at 9:31 pm

I thought about getting a doula each and every time. Not sure why I didn’t just go through with it. I never attended any birthing classes either. You definitely would’ve had a field day with SCALD TO OVARY. When I got the smoking nurse again at a subsequent birth, I did request another with fresh breath, lol.

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brotio January 19, 2012 at 7:27 pm

And 11. The size of your hand in that picture puts Hellboy to shame! LOL! couldn’t resist…

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Christine@TheAums January 19, 2012 at 10:20 pm

Ha! That’s probably due to the fact that 3 different nurses poked me to find my veins. Hospital rule is after 3 pokes, a new nurse has to give it a try…so yeah, that’s at least 7 pokes. Oh, and when they inserted the needle they missed a vein anyway and my skin started bulging from leaking fluid. It was definitely hell.

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ashlea@mamasdance January 21, 2012 at 9:14 pm

This list had me laughing and sad? But, if we don’t laugh we will cry… ugh I had a similar experience with the iv from my first, and all I wanted was to get.it.out. they left it in for almost 12 hours… I picked at the tape on and off and seriously contemplated going Hulk and pulling it out. My hand/arm was in so much pain… Some of those are kind of unbelievable- but at least there is the prize of your babe that makes it a drop in the bucket in the end… was it honestly SCALD TO OVARY? (i can’t believe it!)

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Christine@TheAums January 23, 2012 at 7:39 am

Not making that one up, Ashlea. I had originally written a post where I used Pig Latin to conceal the doctor’s name, but that made it too easy to figure out, so I went with the anagram generator and SCALD TO OVARY was the result. I laughed for days! I know this list has some harsh stuff on it, but at least it wasn’t all at the same birth :)

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Liz @ The Six Year Itch January 23, 2012 at 10:27 pm

About three days ago I was thinking about my own birth experience (because of your series). It’s been so long, I couldn’t remember if the mesh panties were REAL or a terrible, terrible nightmare. Thanks for confirming!

And sidebar: who doesn’t love an ovary scalding every now and again?

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Christine@TheAums January 24, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Obviously I kept going back for more ovary scalding.

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