What To Really Expect When You Become A Parent

by Christine@TheAums on July 9, 2012 · 32 comments

I stopped reading parenting books years ago, around the time I became a parent. Because really, who has time to read once you’re committed to raising another human being…or four.

Incidentally, my sense of time is warped as I’ve found plenty of time to lock myself in the bathroom and read fifty shades of other books.

I might be more convinced to pick up a parent manual these days if it actually prepared me for real-life situations beyond the basics.

I would title it What To Expect When the Tooth Fairy Forgets to Show Up and Other Parenting Dilemmas. It would include but certainly not be limited to the following parenting milestones:

1. The first time your child sees their toy(s) in the trash and you have to play dumb and wonder aloud that you have no idea how that ended up there. In my book, there would be pointers to cover your tracks, including best times of day to dispose of toys (nap and bedtime of course), best days of week (as close to trash day as possible), and if the deed has to be done in broad daylight, well, be ready to empty other trash cans on top of the evidence and smush it all down.

The 4th of July...Wow, look at that whistling Piccolo Pete! Bwahahahahaha!

2. The first time your child unknowingly draws genitalia. There would be tips on how to stifle your laughter and act your age, while complimenting him on such a cool, er, realistic drawing. And if you do reduce your reaction to that of an immature school girl/boy, there would be suggestions on how to make it go viral by posting on Facebook, instagram, and your blog. (Sidenote: there has to be a follow-up chapter addressing the first time your child knowingly draws genitalia, right?)

3. The first time you have to search through your child’s excrement for an object she swallowed, such as a marble. This section would include renderings of the various techniques employed by parents around the world, including my husband’s famous squishy bag technique.

4. The first time your child has to poop in a remote location in nature. This happened to me mere weeks ago and I was so thankful a friend was there to suggest the proper protocol: dig a hole in the dirt for her to poop in. Have I just been lucky to not have experienced this in my 8 years as a parent? Also, I realize that’s two about poop. But again, nothing and no one prepares you for the amount of poop you will come into contact with when you become a parent. My book would.

5. And of course, the first time you have to explain to your sobbing child why the tooth fairy forgot to visit. No one wants to have to google what to do the morning of. Good parenting is all about being prepared.

So what parenting milestones would you add to this list? Please share in the comments!

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{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }

Angus July 9, 2012 at 11:43 am

Now THAT was funny.
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Christine@TheAums July 9, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Thanks, Angus…means a lot coming from the author of “Untidy Bowl.”


Jackie July 9, 2012 at 3:23 pm

We’re currently dealing with a “But daddy, how did that baby REALLY get into Mommy’s belly?” from a four year old. It was my hubs who got stuck with that conversation right before bedtime.
I feel lucky to have never had to dealt with the poo incidents…yet.
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Christine@TheAums July 9, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Ooo, that’s a good one, Jackie!


Stasha July 9, 2012 at 11:15 pm

Just show the 4th of July drawing…
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Angel Tsunami July 9, 2012 at 4:14 pm

6. If you teach your children the scientific names for their anatomy, they will know those words. And freely yield them anywhere and everywhere. From this, you will learn just how many shades of red you can change. From the time Gabe mistook the pet name I have for his twin brother Jake- “Peanut” for “Pen1s” and screamed across the Great Clips where we were getting haircuts, “Mom, am I your pen1s? MOM, AM I YOUR PEN1S???” to the time that Gabe told a stranger “You’re a girl and you have a bagina, like my mom. And granny has a bagina, and auntie has a bagina, and Daddy has a pen1s, and Joey has a pen1s, and Jakey has a pen1s and Eddie has a pen1s.”

7. If you choose to tell your children the truth, understand that they are excited by the knowledge and will offer the knowledge to the first person who comes to your front door. Literally. For example, I came home with a box of tampons. Gabe asked me what they were for and I responded, “They are for mommy to keep her from bleeding.” He asked where I was bleeding and I told him the truth. He then showed the fed ex guy my tampons and told him, “These are for my mom’s bagina when she is bleeding.” Yup.

8. If you choose to remain intimate with your significant other (ha ha) and your children hear noises behind a locked door, you may have to lie and say you were watching the nature channel. For example, Joey asked (during a late night wake-up) “Mom and Dad, did we get a dog? I hear something breathing, ya know, like a dog!” Uhhh….no Joey, we’re just watching the nature channel. Go back to sleep.

9. If you have boys and potty train the way *I* did (as in, “You have to go? YAY! THERE HAS TO BE SOME BUSHES, A TREE, SOME GRASS SOMEWHERE NEARBY!!!), the boys will undoubtedly believe that they can go anywhere…including the lawns of your neighbors, the mall parking lot and anywhere else with, ya know, OPEN SPACE.

Okay, that’s it for my additions. For now.

Love you, this is a great post!

angel (@themommytsunami)
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Christine@TheAums July 9, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Angel, clearly, we should co-author this book together. And now I’m off to read your Katy Perry review!


Angel Tsunami July 9, 2012 at 5:03 pm

I agree. We can work out the details later. Let’s just basque in the glow of our impending success for now.
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Elizabeth July 9, 2012 at 6:14 pm

I know I have several things to add, but I CANNOT get over the drawing… I LOVE IT! And yes, I realize that I am showing what a depraved individual I am. I don’t care.

I totally think you should write a book.
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Christine@TheAums July 9, 2012 at 7:37 pm

I have to admit, I went on a run today and I was totally thinking about making this book a reality. Runner’s high, I guess.


Kimberly July 9, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Very nice. I can see this sort of thing being quite helpful! I expect the book out by the time I have kids! ;)
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Christine@TheAums July 9, 2012 at 7:38 pm

You never know, Kimberly…that might be the “little push” I need :)


Angus July 9, 2012 at 10:02 pm

When can I pre-order this title?
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Stasha July 9, 2012 at 11:17 pm

Yes, I believe this shall be a best seller! Also adding that you should hold on to the dog when child pees in nature because they tend to view it as peeing competition.
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Liz @ Six Year Itch July 10, 2012 at 12:04 am

What Not To Expect: when you’re child, basically, tells a police officer that mom and dad like to get freaky.

As in: “Hey, Mr. Police Officer, my daddy handcuffs my mommy.”

RIP: Getting Freaky 8/10/07
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Christine@TheAums July 11, 2012 at 8:16 am

Liz, I hope we’ll get the back story on your blog one day.


Liz @ Six Year Itch July 10, 2012 at 12:07 am

Oh, and I forgot to mention that the Toothfairy DID forget to visit our house. I totally told my Kid the police officer had her handcuffed.

Maybe I did or maybe I didn’t.
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Stephanie July 10, 2012 at 4:11 am

You need to write this book! you can do it!


Christine@TheAums July 11, 2012 at 8:16 am

I’m thinking about it ;)


Amber July 10, 2012 at 8:23 am

I love these. So true so true. I only ever read, well lets be honest skimmed through “What to expect the first year.” The child they described in the book was nothing like my child. Someone once asked me what “books” I read and what they should get. My response “Your child.” For me my children have been the best books about being a parent.


Christine@TheAums July 11, 2012 at 8:18 am

Amber, I love your answer!


christine July 10, 2012 at 10:51 am

When your child first writes an embarrassing story at school all about his home life. In 4th grade, my child wrote a story that started, “I was melencholy when the vet killed my bitch.”
Write the book. New moms need to know these things! I’ve had to deal with almost every single thing you and the commenters wrote. Not the poo. I refuse to look through poo.
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Christine@TheAums July 11, 2012 at 8:25 am

I’m cracking up over that intro…reminds me of reading Babe out loud to the kids and trying to figure out on the spot if I say “bitch” or not. Thanks for the encouragement about the book!


Jessica July 11, 2012 at 8:53 am

Oh, god! This. is. hilarious! I love the art!! It’s so amazing!


Christine@TheAums July 11, 2012 at 8:59 am

He really captured the “fireworks” didn’t he?


Janice July 11, 2012 at 11:05 pm

Ahahaha! That #2 totally got me! My eldest passed that milestone! It was supposed to be a car’s headlights… (insert immature laughing here) Yep. I totally had to show my husband before I threw it away. Wouldn’t want people seeing it and then having me reported cuz they think I’m exposing my kids to inappropriate images, right? I don’t think they’ll accept the “she just unknowingly drew it” reasoning. Unless, of course, they read your blog too. Then I’m safe. ;)
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Christine@TheAums July 12, 2012 at 10:49 am

Headlights! Oh, I would’ve been rolling on the floor and probably posting online…you are far more mature than I!


Runnermom-jen July 13, 2012 at 6:46 am

Hahahahaha!!! Oh my goodness….if you write a parenting manual like this, I will most definitely buy it!!
P.S. I’ve totally forgotten to be the tooth fairy before ;)
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Christine@TheAums July 19, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Good to hear, Jen! I am actually considering it!


Jeanne July 20, 2012 at 1:07 pm

OMG love this! very very funny stuff! I’ve totally been called out by Red when she found her junky toy in the trash!


Greta July 24, 2012 at 9:02 am

I mean, seriously, the POOP! So much poop. And poop talk. The tooth fairy *almost* one night (and she’s only come twice! What’s her problem??), but thankfully, she didn’t. You totally need to write this book.
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Christine@TheAums July 24, 2012 at 11:37 pm

I know YOU understand the poop talk. With 4 kids I think it just lasts a lot longer b/c the older ones stay interested while their younger siblings discover how funny it is to talk about poop. I happen to think moms like you could contribute a story or two ;)


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